Appetizers

COACH'S POT ROAST NACHOS - DITKA'S IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

Cheddar-jack, pickled jalapeno, sour cream, diced tomato, scallion. Large.

$20

Look, these nachos don’t mess around. This is Mike Ditka energy layered on a tray like a defensive scheme from 1985. Pot roast that’s been through something, cheddar-jack melted like it owes money, jalapeños bringing pain, and sour cream running interference. The fact of the matter is this is not an appetizer, it’s a lifestyle decision. You eat these and suddenly you’re explaining zone coverage to strangers. Large? Yeah, obviously. Anything smaller would be un-American. These nachos don’t ask permission. They blitz your face and dare you to call timeout.

SHRIMP COCKTAIL - ST. ELMO STEAK HOUSE IN INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA

4 jumbo shrimp served with our spicy, signature cocktail sauce.

$22

Listen, St. Elmo’s shrimp cocktail is not food, it’s a test of character. Four jumbo shrimp standing at attention like they KNOW what’s coming. That cocktail sauce? Look, that sauce sees through your lies. It clears your sinuses, your schedule, and your weak opinions. The fact of the matter is if you don’t sweat a little, you’re doing it wrong. This is Indianapolis tradition and personal accountability in a glass. You eat this and suddenly you respect rules again. $22? Cheap for enlightenment.

Breakfast

NIGHT OWL OMELETTE - THE KITCHEN IN SUPERIOR, WISCONSIN

3 egg omelet stuffed with ham, cheese, green pepper, onion, tomato and hashbrowns. Served with toast.

$6.50

Look, breakfast should be cheap, aggressive, and solve problems. This omelette does all three. Three eggs folded around ham, cheese, vegetables, AND hashbrowns like it’s smuggling carbs across state lines. Served with toast because redundancy matters. The fact of the matter is this omelette understands late nights, poor decisions, and redemption. $6.50 is basically charity. You eat this and the sun feels optional. Superior, Wisconsin knew exactly what they were doing here. Night owls only. Early birds wouldn’t get it.

Lunch

OLIVE BURGER - THE ANCHOR BAR AND GRILL IN SUPERIOR, WISCONSIN

Green olives and cream cheese.

$?

Look, listen, the fact of the matter is the Green Olive Burger at The Anchor Bar is proof that Superior, Wisconsin understands flavor on a spiritual level. This burger doesn’t ask if olives belong on beef—it already knows they do. Salty, briny green olives cutting through melted cheese like a jazz solo, patty cooked like someone cared, bun holding on for dear life. You bite it and suddenly Lake Superior feels closer. This is tavern logic perfected. No frills, no apology, just confidence. People argue about burgers because they haven’t had this one yet. Everything is connected.

Dinner

BRISKET - FRANKLIN BARBECUE IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

Available either dry or moist.

$39/lb.

Listen carefully. Franklin brisket is a religious experience wrapped in butcher paper. Dry or moist? Trick question. Either way, it’s perfect. Smoke ring like a wedding band, fat rendered so clean it should have documentation. The fact of the matter is $39 a pound is fair when time, fire, and Texas stubbornness all show up to work. You don’t rush this brisket. You wait. You reflect. You chew slowly and think about your life choices. This brisket fixes things.

DEEP DISH MIKE’S HOT HONEY - LOU MALNATI'S IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

A Chicago take on pizza’s hottest condiment, with sausage, hot giardiniera, cupped pepperoni, and a drizzle of Mike’s Hot Honey®.

$76 (2)

Look, Chicago deep dish already won the argument, but then someone added Mike’s Hot Honey and decided to humiliate the competition. Sausage doing the heavy lifting, giardiniera bringing chaos, cupped pepperoni holding sauce like tiny bowls, and that honey drizzle tying it together like a jazz bridge. The fact of the matter is this pizza is confident, expensive, and absolutely correct. $76 for two? Good. One for you, one for your dignity. This is architectural pizza.

FILET MIGNON (STEER TENDERLOIN) - FIVE O'CLOCK STEAKHOUSE IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN

DemKota ranch beef -- tenderist of meats -- a lean, flavorful steak. 16 oz.

$79

Listen, this filet doesn’t raise its voice because it doesn’t have to. DemKota beef, 16 ounces, lean but powerful, like Dale Earnhardt Sr. in steak form. The fact of the matter is tenderness is not weakness. This steak cuts like butter that went to finishing school. Milwaukee knows meat, and Five O’Clock knows timing. You order this medium rare and stop asking questions. $79 buys silence, satisfaction, and the moral high ground at the table.

Dessert

PECAN PIE - THE GOODE COMPANY TEXAS BARB-B-Q IN HOUSTON, TEXAS

Ah yes, the pecan pie. But this is no ordinary pie. It is a TEXAS pecan pie, which means it is bigger and gooier and richer than any other "real deal" out there, chock-full of fresh Texas pecans harvested from the banks of the Brazos River then nestled into luscious layers of homemade Goode-ness.

$60

Look, this is not dessert, this is Texas making a point. Bigger, gooier, richer, and absolutely unapologetic. Brazos River pecans packed so tight they’re basically unionized. The fact of the matter is this pie doesn’t believe in moderation or your diet. It believes in abundance and legacy. You slice it and gravity hesitates. $60 is nothing for something this sincere. Eat it warm and think about cattle, smoke, and freedom. This pie would vote.

THAT THING ANDRIY'S MOTHER MAKES - MADISON, WISCONSIN

It’s not for you.

$∞

Listen, no. This is not for you. The fact of the matter is you don’t ask about it, you don’t photograph it, and you definitely don’t get seconds. This is heritage cuisine guarded by instinct and judgment. You eat it if invited, quietly, respectfully, and you compliment it like your future depends on it. Price is infinity because boundaries matter. Madison understands this. If you’re confused, that’s the point. Some foods are earned. Move along.